"People who chew loudly should kill themselves."

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Review: "If you are turned off by mouth sounds (smacking, chomping, crunching, etc.), don't see this movie. The eating scenes are like torture. It's about as pleasant as listening to someone scratch on a chalkboard for two to three excruciating minutes. And even more annoyingly, the disgusting sounds don't match up to what's happening... You hear crunching after she swallows, and smacking when her mouth is closed. Now I'm no director, nor do I claim to know a whole lot about film... but for me the sounds were over-the-top and gross, and the mismatchiness felt sloppy. Then again, I also think people who chew with their mouths open should be arrested."

How it misses the point: "Day Night Day Night" is the account of an ethnically ambiguous suicide bomber's preparation for her Times Square mission. She stays alone in an apartment, awaiting instructions from masked terrorists. She is given a backpack filled with nails and explosives. The audience is never given any clues about the terrorist's agenda, or what motivates the young girl. It's a heavy movie.

With sparse direction and no background music, director Julia Loktev creates tension by increasing the volume of ambient noise. Not only does her choice elevate the movie's suspense, but the loud chewing shows how this young girl might view every moment with unusual significance. After all, with only a few hours left on Earth, even eating an egg roll becomes important. The above reviewer, so repulsed by the director's decision, completely misses the point of a pensive movie that considers important subject matter.

It's rare for such a serious movie to receive such shallow criticism.

Too dumb for subtlety

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Review: "If you're looking for a romantic comedy, this isn't it. I know the misleading trailers would have you believe it is, but it couldn't be further from the truth. Mike White must have had an agenda when making this movie. It felt like a 90min. public service announcement for PETA. Shannons character ended up turning into the crazy lonely cat lady you hear about, only its with dogs this time. Peter Sargaards character was really interesting, but after he drops a bombshell on Molly Shannons character the movie never touchs the subject again. Totally unfullfilling movie. Don't be mislead by this trailer!"

How it misses the point: Mike White's "Year of the Dog" is about a lonely woman who, after the untimely death of her dog, is forced beyond the confines of her meager existence. Seeking solace in men, she only finds disappointment. Eventually the woman hides her loneliness by becoming an outspoken animal rights activist, and her growing zealotry begins to alienate her friends.

"Year of the Dog" has a few laughs, but mostly the movie works best as a gentle satire of people who look for fulfillment in the wrong places. Lacking sight gags and verbal wit, White finds humor in the sharpness of his observations. On this level, the movie succeeds (and the reviewer misses the point). More troubling, however, is the belief that the movie is a PETA rallying cry. The woman's propaganda is not convincing. Looking deeper, we see how her cause masks her pain. A subtle character study such as this requires careful attention - something which the reviewer seems utterly incapable of achieving.

Now I wonder if he thinks "American History X" is nothing but a public service announcement for the Neo-nazi movement.

"And I bet My Lai was the feel-good event of the year!"

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Review: "Platoon is an awesome movie that is a very exciting action movie as well as compelling drama. Very hard hitting images that really bring intensity to the movie and a lot of suspense as well."

How it misses the point: Oliver Stone's "Platoon" presents a grueling grunt's-eye view of the Vietnam War. He eschews war movie convention by having ambiguous characters, confusing battles, and no heroics. Through his trademark camera work, Stone draws no clear battle lines; he abandons suspense for confusion. The result is horrifying, emotionally draining experience.

Action movies glamorize violence, or give visceral thrills. The above reviewer misses the point because "Platoon" is simply not an action movie. Because we have no clear sense of Charlie's position or the platoon's strategy, our uncertainty does not provoke excitement. Instead we are given chaos. Moreover, "Platoon" lacks a villain. We vaguely understand the enemy is in the jungle. The enemy, however, is not a "bad guy" with dastardly motivations. He is a faceless death that Stone makes no attempt to understand. If action movies are meant to get hearts racing, "Platoon" is meant to induce nausea.

Since the reviewer had such a fun time watching "Platoon," he probably would have loved to join our forces in Vietnam. I'm sure that within two weeks Barnes would have molded him into a sociopath.

"And I seem to remember breaking your face."

Loyal readers,

I apologize for the lapse in my posts over the last two days. As today's title should indicate, I had a nasty fall and required many stitches. Because it's difficult to type while holding an ice pack to a swollen face, there was no blogging to be had. Rest assured that starting tomorrow I will resume my public service and point out how you all have terrible opinions.

Until then, if anyone asks, I got into a bar fight.

Best,
Alan