Chad in real life

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Review: "Boys will be boys and hilarity ensues when these guys 'punk' a deaf girl. Funny stuff!!"

How it misses the point: Neil LaBute's "In the Company of Men" is about two misanthropic men who pretend to fall in love with a vulnerable woman. Elevating the plan above a mere prank, their ultimate goal is to "emotionally destroy" her, thereby vindicating prior romantic misadventures. It's one of my favorite movies, and I have the inexplicable desire make my friends watch it. They almost always hate it, but they never forget the movie.

The above review is disturbing. Yes, the movie has moments of dark humor, but the casual dismissal of their behavior is inexcusable. "Boys will be boys" does not even skim the surface of the dark motives that drive these two evil men. Their victim is not merely "punked." She is the victim of cold malevolence. While the men may view their actions as a joke, the movie demands the viewer to look beneath the surface of what transpires on screen. "In the Company of Men" is an important movie because it hints that that men so vile could also be so pervasive.

I guess LaBute meant to warn us about the reviewer.

Only if you first apologize for being an idiot

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Review: "This movie was so bad - all those involved in the making of it owes me an apology! So slow for the first hour or more, the mumbling actors caused me to turn the sound up three times and still were hard to understand - and no, there's no problem with my hearing. Really, this is NOT a horror movie as many think. It's a poor psychological thriller - and I use the term thriller loosely. Do not waste your time!"

How it misses the point: William Friedkin's "Bug" is the story of how obsession can transfer from the insane to the lonely. Escalating dread does not spring form "GOTCHA!" scares or the gore on screen. Instead, we watch as a sane woman willfully adopts the paranoid delusions of crazed man. Even as the situation becomes more dangerous, the woman never questions the rantings of her companion. We're not frightened by this couple, we're frightened for this couple. Despite its occasional disgusting moment, "Bug" is pure, unrelenting psychological horror.

It's necessary to establish a rapport between these two characters before the tensions builds. The reviewer has no tolerance for such things as "character" and "exposition," so he is bored by the development that occurs in the movie's first hour. Perhaps because of his familiarity with the director, the reviewer wanted more exploitive grotesqueries - that kind that dominate "The Exorcist." I saw this movie in the theater and had no problem understanding the characters (especially towards the end as their screams amplified).

This guy should just shut up and wait for the next "Saw" sequel.

I'm sure his relatives are pretending.

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Review: "Unrealistic. The patient would not be eager to move into a facility. No reliable facility would prohibit visits. No visiting spouse the least bit knowledgeable about dementia would read such confusing text to a confused dementia patient. No reliable facility would have the tv tuned in to news of the Iraq war. These and other implausible details and contrivances made it hard to find the movie poignant. I speak from years of experience dealing with dementia in two relatives. It might be a good movie for an ignorant viewer, but it's not believable for somewhat who knows what dementia and dementia facilities are really like."

How it misses the point: Sarah Polley's "Away From Her" is a moving account of how an aging couple copes with Alzheimer's. It's touching because the characters are given time to breathe and develop, so the audience is given a better understanding of what informs their decisions.

Not all dementia facilities are equal. The reviewer may be correct that the policies portrayed in the movie do not regularly occur, but any inaccuracies do not detract from the movie's message. It's still heart-wrenching to watch the helpless husband watch his wife crumble and bond with another man. Who cares if he chooses to read Yeats to her instead of something less complex? Such choices do not make sense for the reviewer and his brain-dead relatives. They do, however, make sense for Grant and Fiona.

"And that Norm guy should really be put out of his misery, too"

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Review: "I agree with the other reviewer. Kirstie Allie is obese. Obese people are lazy. They should never be rewarded with an acting job. If all fatsos would stay at home and slowly perish....the world would be a much kinder place."

How it misses the point: It's a rare thing to see a sitcom review segue into support of genocide. Now I am as intolerant of the physically repulsive as the next guy, but I don't think loathing fat people should really interfere with one's appreciation of a mediocre television show. More importantly, Kirstie Alley wasn't overweight at the conclusion of "Cheers." If this reviewer had criticized the short-lived "Fat Actress" instead, he might have a stronger point.

"What self-respecting director keeps beautiful women off the toilet?"

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Review: "Dear God! Awful! I had hopes, and they were dashed. Horribly cast; inane, cliche plot and script; the translated subtitles were even inaccurate. Penelope Cruz is gorgeous, and the actresses who played her sister and her daughter were homely and did not remeotely resemble Ms. Cruz. But for the cute scene with Penelope on the toilet, I'd have given it ZERO stars. What a waste..."

How it misses the point: Almodovar’s “Volver” is about how three generations of women react to corpses and ghosts. Like most of Almodovar’s work, the movie defies easy description because of abrupt tone shifts in addition to the juxtaposition of surrealism and melodrama. His movies flaunt clichés, a fact which undermines the credibility of the reviewer, who seems to wish that “Volver” was more pornographic.

What hopes did the above reviewer have? More scenes of Penelope Cruz on the toilet? More women resembling her? Perhaps the reviewer wanted the movie to devolve into a freaky incest-ridden lesbian love fest. Either way, without properly modulated expectations, the review misses the point. He should just rent “Abre los ojos” and watch Penelope’s topless scene over and over again.

And for the record, Netflix doesn’t allow users to give viewers zero stars.